Friends

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Whether it is in real life, or a fantasy one, friends make the difference. They are your strength, weakness, hope, and fear. So much rolled into one body. Without them, I am lost.

I also don’t have many.

Now before everyone gets all silly about this, it is my choice. No one thinks like me, and there isn’t a soul who will ever understand me. That is the nature of things. Friends take you as you are, but they don’t have to tolerate it endlessly.

Let’s flashback to highschool friends. I am still acquainted with many, which is a miracle in itself. Most are doing amazing things with their lives, even if that is just a recent development. Seeing them accomplish things they never had their sites set on in the early days is uplifting.

How much we have grown!

There are some who have fallen, and I hope they get their act together, and realize how much better life would be if they smartened up. Still, they are my friends, and I wish them the best.

Once upon a time, people would call on me to go for tea, or a walk, or whatever they could do, just to talk. Their lives have gone on, and that side is no longer needed. I miss it, yet don’t.

My focus has shifted as well. I no longer care so much, and try to keep close to home. I too have changed. When I decided to go “public” with my little world, many things altered. If I have a spare moment, I try to fill it up with writing of some kind.

My whimsies still exist. I like walks for no reason, and sitting down at the marina, staring off. Negative thoughts still plague my mind, but that too is different, and subject to whimsies.

I hope this summer is filled with adventure, inspiration, and fun. Not just mine, but all who read this!

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It Is Easy To Get Lost

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When you are following your dreams, the road is rarely a straight line. It is also never the same road, and it is easy to get lost.

Sometimes you start with something as perfect as a yellow brick road. It’s flat, easy to travel on, and it’s clear where you need to go.

Then you fall asleep.

When you wake, that perfect road is now nothing more than a dirt trail. Holes of varying size are littered along it. There’s a bridge, which looks like it will barely hold your weight, crossing a dangerous river, and on the far side is a dark, dense, and forbidding forest.

Off to the side you notice another path. This one isn’t as treacherous looking. So which should you take?

I love challenges, so I will fly down the dark trail, and hope what I need is in that dangerous forest.

That doesn’t mean it is the right way, only that it’s my way…and I may get lost along the way.

My point is this; Whenever you begin to feel lost, and wish to quit pursuing your dream, take the other path. It might be exactly what you need.

Need To Focus

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The push is on, yet I find my brain still won’t focus. Things are finally coming together, and life, for the moment, is cooperating. Yet…

That words dominates my day. I know where I need to be, what I should do, and exactly how it all will flow together. So why can’t I do it? It’s like my need to finish this has fallen so far down that I don’t feel capable of coming back. Yet I do…

It is a very odd feeling.

It would take maybe two weeks to get everything done. That’s it. Two weeks of focus, and hammering down. I have pushed myself to do two weeks of work in four days, but it appears that side of me has left. My give a fuck gave up, and wandered off into the sunset.

It isn’t writer’s block, and it is so annoying to keep getting told that. The story is pretty much done. I have notes for every chapter on what needs to change, and for almost everything else. It is all there, waiting for me to open up the file, and do the typing thing.

A few weeks back I went on a trip, and created a new file to add things to it. Inspiration flowed, and I even changed the name of a character to mirror one of my sisters. It is no one special, in this book anyway. New ideas were jotted down, and the few chapters I needed to figure out, were completed. YET, I can’t bring myself to actually input any of it.

I know I just need to do it. No sitting and staring at the file folder, and shutting down the laptop instead. In fact, I am planning on attempting a late into the night push today, and see if I can get my “give a shit” back. I have paid for editing, and really need to get it to them, but even this knowledge isn’t making me have any urgency.

Perhaps it’s the lack of feedback that is pushing me to this point. I really have zero reviews on sites, and it bothers me. I know many have the novels, and wish they would even put they hated it. At least it’s something! Perhaps it is the fact that so many things have been going wrong in life the last six months, and my mind doesn’t want to hold onto anything at this time.

Whatever it is, I need to get over it. My five fans want this next novel.

Why?

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Why does it take a tragedy to get people to care?

Right now, the world once again thinks Canada is amazing. Jumping on board to help out a community which suffered a horrible incident; what an amazing country.

No, we are not. We only help when the news tells us to. And even with that, we are selective.

What happened was terrible, and not something I would wish anyone to go through. However, it took an NHL coach to point out that the media missed someone. No apologies came. (that was probably what pushed me on this)

I have seen many Go Fund Me pages set up to help for a variety of reasons, and I try to help whenever I can. One in particular, I promoted. It was for a family who needed to take their child out of province for treatments. (when you leave your province for anything medical, you usually pay for it all yourself) I shared the Go Fund Me page, and had not 1, but 3 people tell me they should just move closer to that hospital to make it cheaper. The Fund barely hit $1000. Canadians are jerks.

I see stories of families starving because their child’s medications cost $300 per pill, and they need it every other day to survive. (if said child is not white, the comments show just how pathetic this country is)

My point, and wish, to all is this; help your community!!
If we all stood behind our little parts of the world, we could make it an amazing place. Yes helping others outside your area is great, but look to your community first. If you see bad things happening; report it! Support charities like the RFDA, or whatever hits close to home for you. Speak out for those who cannot do it themselves! And for F Sake…don’t jump on a bandwagon! Make your own choices.

I honestly do not care who gets pissed by this. We are a country that helps some, while stepping over others to do it, and mainly because it’s in the media. Change.

Giving Up

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This title is slightly inaccurate. I am not giving up, I have given up..for the moment. Now before everyone tries to give me some speech to pump me up, or boost my confidence, I will state this now; keep it to yourself.

A few weeks back, I was going through a chapter. Typical rewrites and all that jazz. Then I see a message. One of many informing me of how terrible my writing is. As always, these types do not post it as a review, they just feet compelled to inform me. So as I do, I deleted it and went on my way. This, for some odd reason, is what made me change.

I went back to my editing fun, and after reading the same paragraph, I saved my work, shut it down, and decided to not look at it again. I am behind schedule, big time. This needs to get to the editors asap, yet I shut it down, and said fuck it. I still have my notebook to jot down the ideas I have to change up certain things, but otherwise, the novel sits there.

I have no idea where this came from. I do not have writers block, as I stated, notes are still filling up the book. As usual, my mind is overflowing with ideas. I really wish I knew why that one loser set me on this path. It’s quite frustrating for someone like me, who truly does not care about haters. I have been surrounded by them my entire life.

Sometime soon, I will begin again. I can’t let some idiot control my brain with stupid thoughts. I know Melarandra awaits my return.

For now, I will observe the magic of the world around me, and absorb as much as I can. That’s all I can ask of myself.

Another Milestone

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Today my youngest is 20 years old. Where did the time go!? No more stating I have a teenager. The end of an era.

Yes that is dramatic, but it also rings true. My baby is in college, and finding her way in life. Deep down she is still my little girl.

I love seeing how much she has grown. Following the steps to achieving whatever she wishes. Every little set back dealt with head on.

No more is she the silly girl wanting to wear a summer dress to school in -40 weather. Or running around the yard with her bike helmut on, for fear of tripping in grass. (My family is unique)

So Happy Birthday to my second born. May all your dreams come true!

The Shawl

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This shawl…what a story you have.

Years back, when life was crumbling and I was feeling quite down, a package arrived at my door. Inside was this crocheted shawl, and a note.

The sender’s church made these shawls, and gave them to people who were lost and in need of a hug. She couldn’t give me one herself, and felt I needed this shawl.

I immediately wrapped it around me, closed my eyes, and thought of better days to come. Although my life has become more wonderful than I could imagine, sometimes I use it. A virtual hug, if you will, to make me feel better.

The sender of this shawl was named Alice, and she left us yesterday. Another victim of a terrible disease, a disease which took many loved ones from people I know last year. And as it has been stated many times; Fuck Cancer.

So I say farewell to the sender of the shawl, and know all I can do is send virtual hugs to the family in mourning. You are in a better place, and the pain is done.

💜